My Place in the World

It may not seem like something a 20 year old would ponder, but I bet more young people think about their place in the world than they would like to admit.

I don’t directly think about it but I deal with those thoughts in a lot of different ways. I guess for me it comes in the form of ruling things out. I know that my special ed school and all it represents is not my place. It’s a great place but not mine. I don’t fit in with the students…or maybe I fit in but I don’t really have friends there and don’t feel much connection to the people and the place. The teachers are great – helpful, caring and do their best for us. I am lucky that I was able to go to HS there. But ultimately, I don’t really fit in.

Lots of kids from my school go to live in an assisted living hostel both to learn skills for day to day life and because they want the social interaction with people they relate to. I still live at home because I don’t relate to them and don’t feel it’s my place there. Also, as I wrote in my post http://cpandme.wordpress.com/2010/01/16/to-leave-or-not-to-leave/ for now, home is home. But even my home is not my place in the world. There’s no place like home and I love my family and all that home means but it’s my ‘was’, not my ‘will be’.

 I am in a number of orchestras and ensembles through the city and music conservatory. I get along fine with everyone but I’m not really connected. I love the music, enjoy small talk with the kids and really appreciate the opportunities to play. But these disjointed musical venues for High school and jr. high school students are just not me. I don’t relate to the kids much. I go, play my music and leave.

This week I was pretty busy preparing for my end of the semester performance at the college where I take an ensemble course. I only take part in an ensemble in the college. I’m not formally registered and can’t get a BA because I don’t have a HS diploma (and won’t’ have any time soon).

Last year I looked into music schools. I was accepted to a performance Jazz school. But I do neither jazz nor expect to be a full time performer. My conductor advised me to look at Levinsky, the teaching school with a great music department. I contacted them, explained that I am disabled and managed to get an audition for their ensemble class even though I couldn’t formally register. They liked my audition enough to let me have a chance. I wanted to take more classes but they said I was not skilled enough yet in music theory and other musical matters. I started taking a private music theory class to catch up.

My plan was to get my foot in the door, hope that by being around the college they would like me and let me take more classes even though they have a policy not to let anyone take classes without being accepted into the school formally. The ensemble was once a week for 2hrs. The professor asked us to bring music from our own repertoire for the final performance at the end of the semester. I brought the music for a solo piece with piano accompaniment. My professor accepted it so I played two pieces – one solo out of my repertoire and one that our professor brought for the ensemble. The piece from my repertoire is song based on a section of Jewish literature and is called Shalom A’Lechem – Peace to you all. The other piece was a section from opera no. 47 of Antonín Leopold Dvořák.

The Dvořák piece is with a violinist, four flutes and a pianist. In Israel, students in college are all ages because they serve in the army first and then often travel and then maybe study, get married stop studying, go back later etc. So you have a wide range of ages. The pianist and violinist both are parents. One of the flute players is 29 years old.

Sunday, Jan. 31st 2010 was the big performance. I had the time of my life. Doing this performance project with other people really helped me learn a lot musically and personally. I learned how to adapt to the group as a musician and a person. Meeting new people and playing elaborate music under challenging circumstances really made the experience exhilarating. And if that’s not enough, all the teachers and the players in my group told me how much they love having me around, playing with me, getting to know me. Whereas I don’t connect well to people my age, I have a knack for engaging older people. They say I have a certain quality where I hang around a for a period of time and they sense my warmth and goodness. At least that’s what they say. They use the word ‘neshama’ which means soul. I guess it means they think I am a good soul. I hope I am. I try to be.

After my performance, the head of the music school said that even though I am an external student, he and the school really want me to continue next year and to take a summer course at the college that will help me with my music – Theory and improving my ear – playing by ear as opposed to with notes. It’s call solfege in Hebrew.

My mother has always told me that I have a good soul and if I give people a chance to know me, they will fall in love with goodness. It seems a good soul and skill are a potent combination for life.

Sunday night showed me that I finally found my place in the world. I don’t fit in w/the special ed kids in my school nor do I blend in easily w/the normal kids my age. I was hoping that I would get a break by being included in this ensemble which would give the school a chance to know me. Once they knew me, I hoped they’d find a way to let me expand my studies. Now they have! With people a bit older who focus on music, I am part of the circle and feel wonderful for it. I think that is the feeling of finding your place in the world – of Belonging.

to watch my performance on youtube 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaTnNvjch5I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gsgWi86wVng

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